April 7, 2014
When Two Pink Lines Disappear
I know I've been gone from Gluten Free Navy Wife for a while. I'm sorry to all my Facebook fans out there who I disappeared from. I've gotten messages and comments saying how you all are glad that I've started posting again and I can't thank you enough.
The last couple of months have been quite the doozy for me. We found out we were pregnant with Baby Horne #2 and we were SO thrilled. Surprised, but thrilled. Four weeks later, the unimaginable happened and I miscarried. Below is an article I wrote just a few days after I lost the baby. My heart was heavy and sad. Over the years, I've learned that the best way for me to cope with things is to write and get it off my chest.
I was raised in a minister's home, in church whenever the doors were open, and was saved at a young age. During these last few months, more than ever, I've been grateful to believe in a God who is merciful, comforting, and loving.
If you've ever experienced a miscarriage, the article will definitely hit home for you. What I experienced in the day leading up to the miscarriage and the days after are emotions and feelings that I will never be able to forget. It truly is one of the most difficult things I could ever mentally and physically go through. My article has been posted on my personal Facebook page since March 20, but after the messages and comments I've gotten, I feel that it needs to be shared with a broader audience.
Thank you for your encouragement and your positive feedback with the recipes that I write. I'm hoping that by posting my article here, it will help you understand "me" a little bit more, and the reason why I've been absent.
This was written the night of March 19, 2014. Sleeping was not an option for me that night. It had been a little over 48 hours since I had miscarried and my emotional pain and physical pain were getting the best of me.
Every woman who has experienced it knows what I'm talking about. There's a special feeling in in your stomach and in your heart when you see those two pink lines. Life changes. In that very moment, it's not about you anymore. All the sudden, it's all about your body and the little baby growing inside of you that you will now share everything with. All the sudden your brain goes into overdrive as butterflies swarm through your stomach. Did I take my multi-vitamin today? Have I been drinking too much coffee? Did I eat too much junk food yesterday? You're in 100% "Mommy Mode", where you are protecting and preparing your whole world for the new bundle of joy, and the new life you will soon bring into it.
I had the absolute perfect first trimester with Hadley. Absolutely unheard of. The second trimester, again... Amazing! No nausea, no vomiting, perfect blood pressure, no gestational diabetes and on top of all that- my clothes still fit!!! The third trimester brought a few challenges when Clint went to boot camp and my heart rate did not want to cooperate, but besides that, still amazing! I knew I was blessed and all of this was NOT normal. Now fast forward and we are two months away from Hadley's third birthday and SURPRISE! Two. Pink. Lines.
Just like my pregnancy with Hadley, I got pregnant in the first month. I felt like Clint and I should "high five", but incase you missed what I just said... "SURPRISE!". I was not shocked or upset at all, I was excited. I knew 100% I wanted more than one child, but with Clint's deployment schedule and my heart problems, the question was never, "How many?", it was, "When?". Any military spouse out there knows exactly what I'm talking about and I do have to say, the timing of this surprise was perfect! My due date was in November and Clint was set to deploy 3-5 months later.
I'm not one to hide my excitement and I'm especially not one to keep things from my family, so a week later, we shared the news with our family and closest friends. A few people referred to this as an "accident" and I quickly shut the accident train down! There are no accidents when it comes to one of the greatest gifts God can ever give you. I don't believe that God is in the "Accident Business" but I do believe he is in the "Surprise Business". I told them that this baby will never hear that it was an accident because this child was a gift, and gifts aren't always known about ahead of time.
I'm a planner, so four weeks in, I already had a plan for my new household set up. We only have a three bedroom and for now, that is all we will have, so we needed some adjusting as all three are currently being used. I didn't want to put a newborn and a toddler in the same room right away, and luckily I was nearing the end of redecorating the guest room so I still had time to make adjustments. Furniture was shifted, pictures were hung, and in the end, I was left with the perfect place for the crib. For now, Hadley would keep her own room and guests would have a crib in the corner of their room when they visited.
I was so proud of myself and everything I had accomplished so far! I loved problem solving all by myself, especially when everything turned out exactly as I had planned. In just a few short weeks, I had figured out how we would manage the baby's room/guest room, I had kicked my espresso addiction without a single headache, I had started juicing again, and my first doctor's appointment was in the books and just a couple of weeks away! All that and I was still feeling great, except for my afternoon need for a Gatorade and before dinner snack. I had even taken pictures and edited them for our big "Facebook Pregnancy Reveal". You know, these days nothing is official until it's, "Facebook Official". I was BEYOND ready, until March 16. I woke up that morning and all my excitement turned to fear. I saw a very tiny bit of blood, which is normal at this point in pregnancy, but in my heart, I knew.
We had company on island from the mainland and it was a gorgeous day! Finally monsoon season was coming to a close! We already had plans to spend the day at the pool, but I was not willing to take any chances. I sent them to the pool and decided I would relax and stay in bed. If my head went too crazy, I'd go to the ER and get checked out. Well, guess what?!? I couldn't stand it. I sent Clint a text and told him I was headed to Castle to get a peace of mind. **Let me say right here. I know Clint, and I know that as soon as he walked out the bedroom door, he wished he had not of left, but our company and our two year old had been promised a day by the pool, in the warm Hawaiian sun, and I wasn't going to let a tiny bit of normal pregnancy spotting keep that from happening.
I got to the ER and two out of the three medical professionals I saw told me that either, "I went through the same thing with my two kids.", or "This is normal.". I kind of felt goofy for being there, but reminded myself that this was not normal for me, and I needed to listen to my body. All I could do in that ER room was cry, pray, and wait, but before I even had the chance to change into my hospital gown, I knew I was going to lose our baby.
All my tests in the ER either looked, "good" or "normal", except for my blood work. My Dr. said that my hormone levels were a little lower than she was happy with, but every woman and every pregnancy is different, so there were no "red flags". My ultra sound even confirmed a "sac" but at six weeks pregnant, on the nose, the baby was too small to detect a heartbeat.
I went home with orders from the Doctor to get in bed until I could see my OB. Taking no chances, I came home and got right in bed. A few hours later, the bleeding had increased just a little bit and the cramping got a little bit more frequent. As I laid in bed, I knew it was only a matter of time before my sweet baby was no longer with me. My head was not ready to believe what my heart knew was coming. I told Clint that I needed him home with me the next day and with the uncertainty, the symptoms, and the bed rest, his Chief was 110% in agreement because just the week before, his niece went through the same thing.
The morning of March 17, I woke up full of a fear I'd never known before. What would this day hold? Am I ready? Could I physically or emotionally handle what I knew was coming? Thankfully, I didn't have enough time to think about it because my precious Hadley came bouncing around the corner. I began to thank God for her and her smile and the joy she brings to my life. Even in the "Terrible Two's", she is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
About an hour later, they had all eaten breakfast and were getting ready to walk down to the beach for a few minutes. Hadley's hair was a crazy mess so "piggies" it was! A typical Dad response came from Clint when I heard, "Um...", so I called her over to me. He put her on the bed with me and went downstairs to refill my water. I slowly sat up and my sweet Hadley climbed in my lap. Just as I was finishing "piggy #1" a sense of heartbreak, fear, and emptiness came over me. I had just lost our baby. I gave Hadley a kiss on the head and rushed into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. All I could do was sit on the edge of the bathtub and cry. I had barely had enough time to sit down, when I heard Clint ask Hadley where I had gone. Through the door, I told him to send her to her room to play and I told him to come in.
He stood there in front of me for what seemed like an hour. In all actuality it was probably barely five seconds. I couldn't get my mouth to say, or get my head to acknowledge what had just happened, and not a single part of me wanted to. We had just lost our baby. OUR baby that God surprised us with. The baby that would grow up by Hadley's side, driving her crazy, stealing her toys, and pulling her hair. The baby that would keep me up every night for the first year. The baby that would bring home lice, the stomach virus, and (hopefully not) lizards. The baby we would raise to say "Woo Pig Sooie" and sing "Jesus Loves Me". This was our little baby. It wasn't an embryo, a fetus, or an accident-this was our little baby that God was growing inside of me, for us to love, spoil, and raise.
In that instant, I felt more empty and alone than I had ever felt in my entire life. You could have put me on a deserted island 5,000 miles out to sea and I wouldn't have felt as alone as I did in that moment, but the feeling didn't last long. I'm not saying the heartbreak was gone, I'm saying I didn't feel alone. A lot of people say that "God won't give you more than you can handle". I have always had a hard time believing that, and now, I know that on March 17, 2014, God gave me more than I could handle. As humans, we want to be independent and self sufficient. We want to figure things out on our own and solve our own problems. I am especially guilty of being independent and very proud of that, but it needs to be limited. You see, if God only gave us what we could handle, when would we ever call on Him for help and trust Him in ALL things? If God only gave me what I could handle, my "Independence Proud Meter" would be through the roof because I would, and could do it on my own. I'm not saying that God took our baby away from us, but what I am saying is that He used this to remind me that He's there, and I don't need to do everything on my own, and I shouldn't. I may feel alone and empty, but I'm not and I never will be. I will never have to face any trial alone. I may be going "Through The Fire" right now, but He's right there beside me, holding my hand, and walking through it with me.