You know when you have one of those days, and you just want to get back in bed and start over? That is where I am today, and here lately, it is where I have been almost everyday. Most days you would not know, because I hide it well. My five year old does not listen anymore, my nine month old is going on almost three weeks with ear infections, the dog is, well, she is the dog, and she is like having another child in and of itself. Then there I am... The one who is supposed to be holding us all together. "The Glue" they call us, the strong one. Whoever "they" are, "THEY" have no idea, because I am struggling. Some days I am struggling to the point of tears, other days I am struggling to the point of curling up in a ball and calling it a day, and that is before dinner. But everyday, somehow, I hold it together, that 'glue', holds tight and stays strong. I swear it's Gorilla glue.
"They" never told me how hard motherhood would be, but motherhood is hard. Motherhood with a spouse deployed is even harder. Motherhood with a deployed spouse, sick kids, and running your own business... Now that is just crazy, but I am doing it. That is where my amazing support system comes into play, and saying they are "amazing" is an understatement.
I have been diagnosed with a new (to me) and rare heart condition, so my husband moved us to my parent's house, before deployment. If it were not for their support, and their help, I would have lost my sanity and given up on this deployment, the minute he walked into that airport. You see, a support system is so important, as a military family. MY support system is amazing and I could not do it without them. I know I do not tell them nearly enough, but I am so grateful and so thankful to be here this deployment.
I know I am not the only one, but on days like this, I have a crutch. A big crutch. I think to myself that my crutch is the only way to get through the day. My head tells me that if I do not get that crutch, I may not make it. What is your crutch? We all have one. For some people it is coffee. Coffee is what I kept saying yesterday, would make the whole day better. For some people it is a glass of wine. For others it could be a Xanax and a nap. For few, it is just ending it all, which is sad, because even though they may not think so, there is always something worth living for.
All of this has been going through my head today and right before I sat down to write it all, the dog, remember the dog? She had some sort of asthma or breathing attack. When that happens, I drop everything and rush to her side. It is a very scary situation for her, because lets face it, she is like a baby, she has no idea what is going on. If it was my five year old, I could explain it, promise it would be over soon, and be a huge comfort. But for Koko, all I can do is hold her, or let her sit in my lap. You know what I was thinking during her attack? I was thinking, "OMG I NEED COFFEE!!!!! TODAY IS ROUGH!!!!". That is what I was thinking. I went straight to my crutch. You know what I should have been thinking? "I need Jesus. I need Jesus to take this stress from me." I need Him to be that crutch I lean on. Forget the coffee, it is only temporary. Jesus is forever.
My kids are sick, He is there.
My husband is deployed, He is there.
The bank account is emptier than it needs to be, He is there.
My business has taken a set back, He is there.
My health has taken a turn, He is there.
My worldly crutch? I have to go get it when I need it. I have to make it, or I have to beg for it, but my Jesus, He is always there. I don't have to beg for Him to come, I don't have to make Him come, He comes on His own. He never leaves. One of my new friends told me today, "Not today Satan." (And actually right now, she text me checking on me. She's a keeper! <3)
For too long, I've been letting him steal my joy, and I've been leaning on the wrong crutch. Well guess what Satan, I'm done. I'm done letting you make me think other things are my crutch, and those things are what I need to get through. Am I saying that I'll never have another cup of coffee?!? HA!!! OH NO!!!! I love a good coffee, but I'm done letting it be the thing I turn to, or letting it be the thing that I think I need. I just need Jesus.
1For the choir director; on a stringed instrument. A Psalm of David. Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer. 2From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.3For You have been a refuge for me, A tower of strength against the enemy.… Psalm 61:1-3